dad

Do I blame myself or do I blame you.

I ask my self that and the answer is I have no clue

No one ever clued me in on the truth two different stories none of them end in glory

both of them end the same we were young and your not to blame.

Scott is what I called you when we first met

it wasn't because of your child support debt

but because you had big shoes to fill

and trust me those shoes weren't little

I was stuck in a love triangle right direct in the middle

My defense was up from the beginning

and your offense wasn't winning

I already had many hurtful emotional cases pending

So I never let you get close to me

But you should have known I was hurt scarred emotionally

I was abused mentally and physically

and i wasn't going to let it happen again no not to me

I was slowly killing my self inside

My hop was disappearing out of my stride

I learned to become a chameleon

and not myself it was to painful to to be me I had to much turmoil

and hell I hated that I was the hurt little girl and not the strong 9 yr old

So I became a shape shifter

A great manipulator

I didn't have a emotional filter

Just a damn to block the painful river

I locked up and became someone else

That little girl that needed help was no where to be found

she was dead and buried not in the ground

but inside of me deep inside

I buried her alive and there she lay in a coffin she made breathing silently

only to come out in a emotional hell and very violently

So now do u see why it was hard for you to get through my thick head

Scott it was because I was dead

I lost myself and was fine with being someone else

because anybody's life was better then mine

I could be anybody I wanted to be at a drop of a dime

and didn't realize that was me burying that little nine yr old girl deeper

I was my own grim reaper

So I apologize to you for not getting through

I apologize to you for not having a clue

who I was and I apologize to myself for not waiting cry or wail

I apologize to me for not being all I can be

I apologize to that little girl for not letting her free

Okay at this point and time in my life me and my dad stopped talking because he still treated me like a child and couldn't respect me enough to treat me as an adult. Which upset me alot. Because my step mom did it to and she and I are very close. So I shut down communicating with them. I felt bad for not talking to my dad because I was an adult now and wanted an adult relationship with him and he just seemed to be doing the same things he was doing years ago. He hadn't changed at this point and it was disappointing. Still I felt like I had been unfair to him from the day we met (9 yrs of age) because all I ever had in my heart was my daddy Robert. He loved me my daddy Robert he was my daddy. How can I love this man who I never met. I felt weird around him so I didn't let him love me. He did get a unfair chance at meeting me. I never realized it until I was grown. I still felt the way I did I just fought threw it and when I hugged him I hugged him I didn't think of something else or fake it. I hugged him and guess what nothing bad happened. It was okay to love him. It wasn't bad to love him. To the present day my dad still has annoying habits but, I love him cause he loved me just because I was his. I wish that I could have overcame this at a younger age. What is important now is that I let him in. I love you dad.
Above Shawn ( my middle boy) Dad and me