Searching

I'm hurting inside
trying to search through and find
looking through the anger to find the kind
what does really hold me together what is in my bind
is it compassion or anger or just passion
whatever it is its intense
so intense that no one can begin to understand
how much I long for my childhood to be less painfull
how everyone just wrote me off as a hand full
how abandonment felt
how u feel being alone all by yourself
how can u not be bitter with what Ive been through
how can u hold together strong and not turn into goo
I tell you how u hold your head up high
you come to peace with your past
you realize people come live and die
you slow down in life and don't go fast
you take every step with your head turned
to watch the evilness in the world to make sure u don't get burned
you've seen so from such a young age
you know there two sides to every page
you love fearfully
you no longer love whole heartedly
you love mentally
you feel passionate and numb
at the same time
you feel like you cant speak
as if you were a mime
you feel strong yet weak
you feel alone yet accompanied with sorrow
you feel like a leader yet at times you follow
you feel at peace yet in a disarray
you have to learn that your past is past and not today
I have to come to peace with my childhood before I can move on in adulthood
I have to accept it and stop running or hiding
It's time for me to soar and my wings to start gliding
It's time for me to pull out and me save myself from dying
I forgive everyone in my past that had there hand in my childhood
I have to so I can continue on and do what I should
Forgive but not forget it is to much to ask
forgetting is something I cant it has made me who I am today
and I cant forget who I am
but i can forgive you for not making a stand against the things that made me hurt
my life could have been a whole lot worse
I know i could have been one of those starving kids overseas
ate up with illness and disease just because I wasn't born in the U.S.A
So I choose to forgive you for the sake of moving on out of today
and in to the next
But I could never forget.


At this point my mom took my identity mentally and financially. I had bad debt from the age of 12 up she put phone bills light bills cable bills you name it was in my name. I felt that I didn't know who I was and the only thing I knew how to do was love my son. I couldn't do anything else because my mom took everything from me I wasn't allowed to be anything. I couldn't be a cheerleader didn't have the money couldn't get on any type of team as a child because I switched schools so much due to moving because of her man friends and foster care. I hated that my childhood wasn't filled with happy memories from her. Christmas morning if we woke up to Christmas presents they weren't wrapped. Days of summer were filled with her going to the lake and meeting a new guy and bringing them home and trying to be our daddy because in her words" I looked good for having two kids " Almost every man except our dads were abusive to her and one was to us. On this day that I wrote this poem I felt robbed of who I was and that it was her job to supply me with who I am. I had no time to think about me it was all about cleaning the house, making sure me and my sis get up for school and have clean clothes, we barley had clean socks we wore the same pair for 3 days in a row. I was accepting who I was and trying to be great full for who what I have. I didn't want to dwell so much on the past that I miss what I had in front of me a beautiful boy and another son on the way. God would remind me in upcoming days how much having a healthy child meant. I love the power of God his innocence to you . Alot of my blogs will have something to do with God or have something about God because at times he is all I had and if it wasn't for him I would be alive mentally and physically. This poem made me feel strong and it made feel like what I was doing raising a child and being a good mom breaking the chain of bad moms letting it stop with me.