letting it go

Numb to the pain have to be to stay sane
I know longer stake you as my claim
your problems cause you felony fame
you have no one left to blame
it's you ;all you do you take responsibility
do u realize you problems our affecting your life critically
you know longer care not because you don't have the ability
you take the next dose willingly
how can it be so addicting
that you have no feelings
for your own family
that nothing matters more
then your next score
damn those hungry spiders
they take down the strongest fighters
they bite with poison in there fangs
they leave the poison to run through your veins
robbing you of the next person in line
to waste there time
fighting off those evil pest
until there patience is put to the test
they right off those evil bug bites as another problem they cant fix
and put it on the bottom of there to do list
always in the back of there mind
like a slope to slippery for them to climb
your battle your war
why live when you have nothing to live for
were all here backing away
praying for you night and day
waiting for you to realize that life ain't just a game you play
you don't get another life
you don't get up for one more fight
all the stories become when she was alive....
your face becomes just a memory
your thoughts and wisdom is no longer on tap
your kids no longer can sit on momma's lap
you never have a chance to say I do love you
we wont hear I'm proud of you
we wont get wisdom when we don't have a clue
we wont get to make fun of you when your an old shrew
I wish you would wake up today
and realize there is more at stake
then your life that you wish that God would finally take
he is giving you a chance to come to him in your last days
for you to get on your knees and pray
to devote you life to him and follow him everyday
to put someone first and move your habits out of first place
for your life not to be a total waste
for something of you to be left behind instead of disappearing without a trace
I want this for you
mother I do
I've learned to leave this one up to the good Lord above
because nothing is going to change you not even a grandchild's love
he is your new beginning he is your white dove
I will pray every night before I lay down
that your knees will finally hit the ground
and your heart goes to Christ
and you let him take over your fight
you cant win without him
it will always beat you cant escape this sin
I love you but I gotta let you go
I gotta let this storm blow

At this point in time it was last year towards the end of 08' I wrote this when I found out my mom was shooting up. It had went from sniffing, smoking, and now shooting up. Something that I know my who has experimented with drugs all my childhood never resulted in doing (shooting up that is.) It was really difficult for me to hear this cause the first thing I wanted to do was run and save her like I always thought I did. I always thought if I was there she wouldn't do it as bad. I knew that I couldn't because it never worked before. If she couldn't change for her own flesh and blood what makes me think she will change for mine. The spider bites our the misses with the needle she would go to the ER and tell them she had spider bites since we live in Ga and we do have a good bit of spiders I guess they believed it and gave her pain medand antibiotics etc. I just had to let her do her and me do me and mines.

Present as of 2 days ago the doctor told my mom ( i heard through my sis and family)

They are going to try one more time with the chemo and if it don't work he gives her 6 mos to a year to live. They can't do nothing else for her. Now I am stuck here debating on letting her see my kids one time and me. I am so scared to break down over this. I am a freaking mess. I cleaned all day to keep busy from thinking about it. I fight off tears because I refuse to hurt anymore over this yesterday was just so bad my youngest son is sick he has a bad cough (croup)

I was up till 11 trying to calm him down and get him to sleep. Thank God for my Alex he helped and stayed up with me. He is best boy ever all he wants to do is go to school and be smart and play football. I think what it all boils down to is this I am scared ( yeah I said scared) that the first time in 6 years and the last time I see my mom will be in a casket.

my baby boy

Alex 2 yrs old at my baby shower for my 2nd boy

My hopes for you
I've got nothing but big plans for you
I know its hard to grasp that when right now your favorite show is blues clues
someday you will understand
that's exactly what I hope for you is not to under stand but stand above
above all else
Take care of yourself
You've been on my side now for two years
and in my heart for three
losing you is my biggest fear
I can remember when I became we
you've really became forever entangled inside of me
you have became my sadness my laughter and glee
God sent me an angel made from his powerful hands
like his hands hes got big powerful plans for his angel
I'm in care of these big plans there for me to handle
and that I do with great care
I teach you to be kind, love and share
but above all else Believe
believe in him cause he is your true maker
and you true taker
and trust me baby he isn't a manipulator
he will be your first love above everything
he will be there through all your pain
he will be there watching your losses and your gains
as well as I your are forever apart of me
I want you to be free
I want you to take those wings
that God crafted with great detail
I want you to attempt to fly and fail
I want you to learn
I want you to do what your heart yearns
I want you to soar
I want you to find yourself and love God to the core
I want the good memories to out weigh the bad
I want you to remember you have a Father above and a wonderful dad
Me and daddy will be forever beside you
and we know you will make it through
I want you to live in truth
I want you to love hard and strive harder
I want you to always want to go farther
I want you to be content with what God has given you
I want you to have massive hopes and dreams
always remember nothing is never as hard as it seems
I want you to love a woman with great care when the time comes
I want you to let me know its okay to let go
I don't know if I could ever let go you will always be my baby
the thought of handing you over to another lady
But if you stand by me I think I to will make it through
I want you to love your kids as much as I love you.
I love you Alex.

I wrote this when I was prego with my second I was scared to death of the attention being taken off him and on the baby. I was scared to love another child. Didn't know if I could. So I wrote this. Little did I know God had his hand in my life.

I have fallen and I can get back up with Christ!

Forgive me for I have sinned
forgive me Father for not letting the Holy spirit win
thank you for the life you have blessed me with
thank you for letting me give my son another forehead kiss
forgive me father for challenging your stern fist
forgive me for treating your word like a chore list
forgive me father for having a unwed spouse
sorry father for the weak temper that makes me scream and shout
sorry father for my busy body tongue that can sometimes let stuff spill out
father please forgive me for my sins I want the holy spirit to win
I want to thank you father for the things I've got
and want to apologize for coveting the things I do not
sorry father for thinking why me God instead of thinking of why not
sorry father for defying all I have been taught
sorry father for thinking I can handle it all
sorry God for not picking up my hands and giving you a call
sorry God for being to ashamed to talk to you
sorry God for living a lie instead of the truth
sorry God for letting my guilt and shame come between us
sorry God for betraying your trust
sorry father for doing what I want instead of what I must
after all the things I have done to you
your still there with arms wide open waiting for me to come to the truth
I slapped you in the face with my sin and Lord you turned your cheek
You've picked me up when I was weak
My whole life I've felt alone
Ive been searching for someone to be there for me someone strong
and all this time you've been there through my right and wrongs
you've been there Lord you've held my hand all along
not letting it go just squeezing it so tight that my hand became numb
I'm tired of being def and dumb
my eyes are opening to see you with arms wide
to see you hurting on the cross for the tears you cried
to see what God sacrificed
how many of you could send your child to die a pain full death
if you tell the truth you couldn't maybe someone else
but not your flesh and blood
you don't have the strength to send your child to die on two pieces of wood
Thank you God for giving me my second chance
thank you God for giving me the opportunity to let my mustard seed grow into a plant
Thank you God for every time you've wiped my tears
Thank you God for helping me overcome my fears
I may not become a college scholar
I may not ever earn a million dollars
but don't put your money on any bet
because my God hasn't given up on me not yet
he will always be there holding my hand
helping me through my purpose filling out his plan
helping me raise my boys into young men
he will be there forgiving me for my sin
he will be there more for me then any friend
because he is my father my creator my provider
I love you God!
1 Corinthians 2:9 No ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

This one pretty much speaks for itself I was close to God and I let my life become more important. I let the cell phones, the Internet, the Jehovah witness that come to your door invade in on his turf and my life paid for it but most of all my relationship with God paid for it. Life can be overwhelming to the point why we forget why we are here in the first place. I tell my son God gave you a special job to tell everyone that Jesus died on the cross for you. He saved you and he loved you. I am not telling you this to get props. I am telling you this because we all have a hole in us. Where God is supposed to be and when he is not there we feel like zombies. We function we smile but we are zombies. We can interact but we are empty inside. That is were I was. I knew what I needed but most of all it took me a year and half to figure out I had to be silent before God. Meaning I got down on my knees and told God how sorry I was. That I was here and now I can be mended and used for him. Speak to me tell me what you want me to to I am here for YOU now! How much I knew I was doing wrong and still did it despite of the consequences. I have fallen since then and now in the process of getting up. I think that is the most important thing. I have heard about following Christ is "You will fall again and again. Just how quickly you pick yourself back up and how you do it determines your fate. I am so tired of being weak and letting this world get to me. I just wish I could not fall so much.

Me and my oldest son Alex who is 4