dad

Do I blame myself or do I blame you.

I ask my self that and the answer is I have no clue

No one ever clued me in on the truth two different stories none of them end in glory

both of them end the same we were young and your not to blame.

Scott is what I called you when we first met

it wasn't because of your child support debt

but because you had big shoes to fill

and trust me those shoes weren't little

I was stuck in a love triangle right direct in the middle

My defense was up from the beginning

and your offense wasn't winning

I already had many hurtful emotional cases pending

So I never let you get close to me

But you should have known I was hurt scarred emotionally

I was abused mentally and physically

and i wasn't going to let it happen again no not to me

I was slowly killing my self inside

My hop was disappearing out of my stride

I learned to become a chameleon

and not myself it was to painful to to be me I had to much turmoil

and hell I hated that I was the hurt little girl and not the strong 9 yr old

So I became a shape shifter

A great manipulator

I didn't have a emotional filter

Just a damn to block the painful river

I locked up and became someone else

That little girl that needed help was no where to be found

she was dead and buried not in the ground

but inside of me deep inside

I buried her alive and there she lay in a coffin she made breathing silently

only to come out in a emotional hell and very violently

So now do u see why it was hard for you to get through my thick head

Scott it was because I was dead

I lost myself and was fine with being someone else

because anybody's life was better then mine

I could be anybody I wanted to be at a drop of a dime

and didn't realize that was me burying that little nine yr old girl deeper

I was my own grim reaper

So I apologize to you for not getting through

I apologize to you for not having a clue

who I was and I apologize to myself for not waiting cry or wail

I apologize to me for not being all I can be

I apologize to that little girl for not letting her free

Okay at this point and time in my life me and my dad stopped talking because he still treated me like a child and couldn't respect me enough to treat me as an adult. Which upset me alot. Because my step mom did it to and she and I are very close. So I shut down communicating with them. I felt bad for not talking to my dad because I was an adult now and wanted an adult relationship with him and he just seemed to be doing the same things he was doing years ago. He hadn't changed at this point and it was disappointing. Still I felt like I had been unfair to him from the day we met (9 yrs of age) because all I ever had in my heart was my daddy Robert. He loved me my daddy Robert he was my daddy. How can I love this man who I never met. I felt weird around him so I didn't let him love me. He did get a unfair chance at meeting me. I never realized it until I was grown. I still felt the way I did I just fought threw it and when I hugged him I hugged him I didn't think of something else or fake it. I hugged him and guess what nothing bad happened. It was okay to love him. It wasn't bad to love him. To the present day my dad still has annoying habits but, I love him cause he loved me just because I was his. I wish that I could have overcame this at a younger age. What is important now is that I let him in. I love you dad.
Above Shawn ( my middle boy) Dad and me

Searching

I'm hurting inside
trying to search through and find
looking through the anger to find the kind
what does really hold me together what is in my bind
is it compassion or anger or just passion
whatever it is its intense
so intense that no one can begin to understand
how much I long for my childhood to be less painfull
how everyone just wrote me off as a hand full
how abandonment felt
how u feel being alone all by yourself
how can u not be bitter with what Ive been through
how can u hold together strong and not turn into goo
I tell you how u hold your head up high
you come to peace with your past
you realize people come live and die
you slow down in life and don't go fast
you take every step with your head turned
to watch the evilness in the world to make sure u don't get burned
you've seen so from such a young age
you know there two sides to every page
you love fearfully
you no longer love whole heartedly
you love mentally
you feel passionate and numb
at the same time
you feel like you cant speak
as if you were a mime
you feel strong yet weak
you feel alone yet accompanied with sorrow
you feel like a leader yet at times you follow
you feel at peace yet in a disarray
you have to learn that your past is past and not today
I have to come to peace with my childhood before I can move on in adulthood
I have to accept it and stop running or hiding
It's time for me to soar and my wings to start gliding
It's time for me to pull out and me save myself from dying
I forgive everyone in my past that had there hand in my childhood
I have to so I can continue on and do what I should
Forgive but not forget it is to much to ask
forgetting is something I cant it has made me who I am today
and I cant forget who I am
but i can forgive you for not making a stand against the things that made me hurt
my life could have been a whole lot worse
I know i could have been one of those starving kids overseas
ate up with illness and disease just because I wasn't born in the U.S.A
So I choose to forgive you for the sake of moving on out of today
and in to the next
But I could never forget.


At this point my mom took my identity mentally and financially. I had bad debt from the age of 12 up she put phone bills light bills cable bills you name it was in my name. I felt that I didn't know who I was and the only thing I knew how to do was love my son. I couldn't do anything else because my mom took everything from me I wasn't allowed to be anything. I couldn't be a cheerleader didn't have the money couldn't get on any type of team as a child because I switched schools so much due to moving because of her man friends and foster care. I hated that my childhood wasn't filled with happy memories from her. Christmas morning if we woke up to Christmas presents they weren't wrapped. Days of summer were filled with her going to the lake and meeting a new guy and bringing them home and trying to be our daddy because in her words" I looked good for having two kids " Almost every man except our dads were abusive to her and one was to us. On this day that I wrote this poem I felt robbed of who I was and that it was her job to supply me with who I am. I had no time to think about me it was all about cleaning the house, making sure me and my sis get up for school and have clean clothes, we barley had clean socks we wore the same pair for 3 days in a row. I was accepting who I was and trying to be great full for who what I have. I didn't want to dwell so much on the past that I miss what I had in front of me a beautiful boy and another son on the way. God would remind me in upcoming days how much having a healthy child meant. I love the power of God his innocence to you . Alot of my blogs will have something to do with God or have something about God because at times he is all I had and if it wasn't for him I would be alive mentally and physically. This poem made me feel strong and it made feel like what I was doing raising a child and being a good mom breaking the chain of bad moms letting it stop with me.

Okay don't want to start this as a typical introduction. Here it is though name is Ashley 22 and have 3 boys. I have experienced alot in my life and write poetry, songs and blogs about it. To help me feel better and I just heard you can make money from it. I am hoping to do that. All my stuff is original if I do post a quote I give credit where credit is due. I hope you enjoy reading my stuff if not then give me feedback please on how you think it could be better. I love feedback but take everything with a grain of salt. So with that I am going to post some poetry that I have wrote.



Dear mom.........
Dear mom this letter is addressed to you. I miss my mother I do . What has this come to . Why do you make me and sis suffer. Why does my sister say to me "I need a mother!" You continue to hurt her . That is the worst mother. You cant hurt me. I have cut you out of my life completely. Because of your deceiving drama filled life. You hurt me enough you no longer hold the knife to my pain. You no longer drive me insane. I know longer live the life of a derailed train. I haven't seen or spoke to you in three years and I still cry tears because of you. There is no end to the sorrow you've caused me in my childhood. Do I think it is fair for you to live the rest of your life unforgiven and prosecuted. No I don't but, should I be put on trial for not wanting to be drove insane by your drama and your pain not to mention I have a child to think about now who needs a thing called structure. No not a building with textures . But a bed of his own to sleep in a Family. Something I've searched my whole life to find and he and his father is it I found it finally. You continue to try to hurt me through my dear Misty whom I take credit for raising. But your not hurting me you hurting her and soon she too will see . She will see what was once a momma is no longer. You always be a mother but for me personally you will never be momma again. I go through life pretending that you don't exist I clinch my fist every time I think how could a mother do that to her children. How could she choose her man friends over us girls. When I would give my son the world. I am now a mother and I see how easy it is to love your children. How easy it is to not betray them . I can sit here all night and tell your faults and sit here for about one minute and tell you the good things you have done in my childhood. But I want instead I will forgive you for failing motherhood. There is your grade it is not just a simple test it doesn't just effect you if effect me to for I am forever stained with hate in my heart until I come to peace with my childhood and part with this derailed train I FORGIVE YOU for failing me .


I wrote this about 3 years ago. I felt the need to put this on here for you to know the feelings I felt and how I got the point. I am now. At this point in my life I was pregnant with my second child scared to death and wanting a mother. My mom is 40 years old and is dying of throat tumors/ meth addiction. I left my mom and my sister (Misty 19) whom I raised because as we all know a man chasing druggie don't have time for her kids. I had to leave because I couldn't raise my kid in the meth house. I had to leave my sister behind and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My mom did alot of things to me as a child. The first painful thing I remember is lying to me about my dad. I loved this man which was my sisters dad ( Robert) who raised me from infancy. I loved him and then at the age of 7 found out he wasn't my dad. It didn't hurt at that time it didn't hurt till the divorce and when I met my real dad ( Scott) at 9. My real dad was okay he isn't bad but not great I think he done the best he could at times. Okay back to the present. I have not seen or spoken to my mom in almost 6 years. At this point it was 3. I hated her and wanted to forgive her at the same time it was so confusing. How could you love someone and hate them at the same time. I felt she and other people robbed me of my childhood. That my life was pointless up until I had my first son and I gave him everything I had. How could I love my second son as much as I did could I love him that much. Well that was how I was feeling at this point so I wrote this. It helped me through the pain but I wanted her to see it her to know you suck and you made my life suck and I cant let you run my life anymore I want to forget you.