hell and back

Medialert Necklace

2009-04-24T04:55:00.001-07:00

Hi everyone I know it has been a while. I haven't posted anything in a while I have been working on my family,church, and a real sick friend. A friend of mine called me the other day and said "Hey I am in the hospital." I said "Is everything okay with the baby?"( She is 8 mos pregnant with her 2nd girl her oldest is 3. She begin to tell me. I have seen tons of doctors. There not sure yet all I know is that my husband came home and found me lying on the floor in my own urine etc. with my little girl running around. I knew what was going on but couldn't say it or get it out. (remind you she is 8 mos pregnant!)He rushed her to the hospital where she stayed for 5 days. She said all they know was that my potassium is really low and it made me paralyzed. They don't know why it is low. So the doctors after days of research found out she has Hypokalemic Periodic Paralysis is a rare inherited muscle disorder that causes episodes of paralysis or weakness. Episodes may last anywhere from an hour or two to days, and may vary in intensity from episode to episode. It is a very scary disease because each time she has these attacks it cause muscle damage that cant be repaired. Which could mean she eventually in life could be in a wheel chair. Which scares her to death. So the doctors were going to let her out of the hospital but the she started early labor so they kept her long enough to stop it. Then she was released with the orders to eat three bananas a day and take potassium supplements. Easy right take these thing and you will be fine well not really. If she gets her potassium to high it could kill her. As well her potassium levels could be normal and she still needs more potassium because her body requires it. There is no machine like sugar taking machines for potassium for this reason. Another thing with these attacks is they are trigger resting after exercise so it doesn't just happen when it is slow something triggers in her body to just drop the levels.We were talking on the phone and she ask me to research her disease for her because she doesn't really understand. I have researched it and I suggested to her to get a medialert necklace for her if she is out in the store with the kids and one of the attacks come along. Just being home with a newborn etc. with today's economy her husband cant afford to stay home and sometimes works out of town. I think this is something she really needs. She talk to her doc about it and he said that it was a wonderful idea and a necessity. I have set up a donation button on my blog for her the necklace
http://www.americanmedical-id.com/marketplace/build.php?buildwhat=necklace this is where we are ordering it from it cost 49.00 for the necklace with shipping and handling. We really would appreciate if you could donate because I really don't have the money to buy this for her and she don't either with a newborn baby. So if you could donate it would be to a good cause. Every time she looks down at her necklace I know she will think there is still good people who give just to give. Like we were intended too.
Thanks for reading I also want to provide you with one of the pages I used to research her disease and got info from to write this blog.
http://www.hkpp.org/faq/hypokalemic_periodic_paralysis.html
Thanks Ashley!

letting it go

2009-03-26T05:24:00.000-07:00

Numb to the pain have to be to stay sane
I know longer stake you as my claim
your problems cause you felony fame
you have no one left to blame
it's you ;all you do you take responsibility
do u realize you problems our affecting your life critically
you know longer care not because you don't have the ability
you take the next dose willingly
how can it be so addicting
that you have no feelings
for your own family
that nothing matters more
then your next score
damn those hungry spiders
they take down the strongest fighters
they bite with poison in there fangs
they leave the poison to run through your veins
robbing you of the next person in line
to waste there time
fighting off those evil pest
until there patience is put to the test
they right off those evil bug bites as another problem they cant fix
and put it on the bottom of there to do list
always in the back of there mind
like a slope to slippery for them to climb
your battle your war
why live when you have nothing to live for
were all here backing away
praying for you night and day
waiting for you to realize that life ain't just a game you play
you don't get another life
you don't get up for one more fight
all the stories become when she was alive....
your face becomes just a memory
your thoughts and wisdom is no longer on tap
your kids no longer can sit on momma's lap
you never have a chance to say I do love you
we wont hear I'm proud of you
we wont get wisdom when we don't have a clue
we wont get to make fun of you when your an old shrew
I wish you would wake up today
and realize there is more at stake
then your life that you wish that God would finally take
he is giving you a chance to come to him in your last days
for you to get on your knees and pray
to devote you life to him and follow him everyday
to put someone first and move your habits out of first place
for your life not to be a total waste
for something of you to be left behind instead of disappearing without a trace
I want this for you
mother I do
I've learned to leave this one up to the good Lord above
because nothing is going to change you not even a grandchild's love
he is your new beginning he is your white dove
I will pray every night before I lay down
that your knees will finally hit the ground
and your heart goes to Christ
and you let him take over your fight
you cant win without him
it will always beat you cant escape this sin
I love you but I gotta let you go
I gotta let this storm blow

At this point in time it was last year towards the end of 08' I wrote this when I found out my mom was shooting up. It had went from sniffing, smoking, and now shooting up. Something that I know my who has experimented with drugs all my childhood never resulted in doing (shooting up that is.) It was really difficult for me to hear this cause the first thing I wanted to do was run and save her like I always thought I did. I always thought if I was there she wouldn't do it as bad. I knew that I couldn't because it never worked before. If she couldn't change for her own flesh and blood what makes me think she will change for mine. The spider bites our the misses with the needle she would go to the ER and tell them she had spider bites since we live in Ga and we do have a good bit of spiders I guess they believed it and gave her pain medand antibiotics etc. I just had to let her do her and me do me and mines.

Present as of 2 days ago the doctor told my mom ( i heard through my sis and family)

They are going to try one more time with the chemo and if it don't work he gives her 6 mos to a year to live. They can't do nothing else for her. Now I am stuck here debating on letting her see my kids one time and me. I am so scared to break down over this. I am a freaking mess. I cleaned all day to keep busy from thinking about it. I fight off tears because I refuse to hurt anymore over this yesterday was just so bad my youngest son is sick he has a bad cough (croup)

I was up till 11 trying to calm him down and get him to sleep. Thank God for my Alex he helped and stayed up with me. He is best boy ever all he wants to do is go to school and be smart and play football. I think what it all boils down to is this I am scared ( yeah I said scared) that the first time in 6 years and the last time I see my mom will be in a casket.

my baby boy

2009-03-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

Alex 2 yrs old at my baby shower for my 2nd boy

My hopes for you
I've got nothing but big plans for you
I know its hard to grasp that when right now your favorite show is blues clues
someday you will understand
that's exactly what I hope for you is not to under stand but stand above
above all else
Take care of yourself
You've been on my side now for two years
and in my heart for three
losing you is my biggest fear
I can remember when I became we
you've really became forever entangled inside of me
you have became my sadness my laughter and glee
God sent me an angel made from his powerful hands
like his hands hes got big powerful plans for his angel
I'm in care of these big plans there for me to handle
and that I do with great care
I teach you to be kind, love and share
but above all else Believe
believe in him cause he is your true maker
and you true taker
and trust me baby he isn't a manipulator
he will be your first love above everything
he will be there through all your pain
he will be there watching your losses and your gains
as well as I your are forever apart of me
I want you to be free
I want you to take those wings
that God crafted with great detail
I want you to attempt to fly and fail
I want you to learn
I want you to do what your heart yearns
I want you to soar
I want you to find yourself and love God to the core
I want the good memories to out weigh the bad
I want you to remember you have a Father above and a wonderful dad
Me and daddy will be forever beside you
and we know you will make it through
I want you to live in truth
I want you to love hard and strive harder
I want you to always want to go farther
I want you to be content with what God has given you
I want you to have massive hopes and dreams
always remember nothing is never as hard as it seems
I want you to love a woman with great care when the time comes
I want you to let me know its okay to let go
I don't know if I could ever let go you will always be my baby
the thought of handing you over to another lady
But if you stand by me I think I to will make it through
I want you to love your kids as much as I love you.
I love you Alex.

I wrote this when I was prego with my second I was scared to death of the attention being taken off him and on the baby. I was scared to love another child. Didn't know if I could. So I wrote this. Little did I know God had his hand in my life.

I have fallen and I can get back up with Christ!

2009-03-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

Forgive me for I have sinned
forgive me Father for not letting the Holy spirit win
thank you for the life you have blessed me with
thank you for letting me give my son another forehead kiss
forgive me father for challenging your stern fist
forgive me for treating your word like a chore list
forgive me father for having a unwed spouse
sorry father for the weak temper that makes me scream and shout
sorry father for my busy body tongue that can sometimes let stuff spill out
father please forgive me for my sins I want the holy spirit to win
I want to thank you father for the things I've got
and want to apologize for coveting the things I do not
sorry father for thinking why me God instead of thinking of why not
sorry father for defying all I have been taught
sorry father for thinking I can handle it all
sorry God for not picking up my hands and giving you a call
sorry God for being to ashamed to talk to you
sorry God for living a lie instead of the truth
sorry God for letting my guilt and shame come between us
sorry God for betraying your trust
sorry father for doing what I want instead of what I must
after all the things I have done to you
your still there with arms wide open waiting for me to come to the truth
I slapped you in the face with my sin and Lord you turned your cheek
You've picked me up when I was weak
My whole life I've felt alone
Ive been searching for someone to be there for me someone strong
and all this time you've been there through my right and wrongs
you've been there Lord you've held my hand all along
not letting it go just squeezing it so tight that my hand became numb
I'm tired of being def and dumb
my eyes are opening to see you with arms wide
to see you hurting on the cross for the tears you cried
to see what God sacrificed
how many of you could send your child to die a pain full death
if you tell the truth you couldn't maybe someone else
but not your flesh and blood
you don't have the strength to send your child to die on two pieces of wood
Thank you God for giving me my second chance
thank you God for giving me the opportunity to let my mustard seed grow into a plant
Thank you God for every time you've wiped my tears
Thank you God for helping me overcome my fears
I may not become a college scholar
I may not ever earn a million dollars
but don't put your money on any bet
because my God hasn't given up on me not yet
he will always be there holding my hand
helping me through my purpose filling out his plan
helping me raise my boys into young men
he will be there forgiving me for my sin
he will be there more for me then any friend
because he is my father my creator my provider
I love you God!
1 Corinthians 2:9 No ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him

This one pretty much speaks for itself I was close to God and I let my life become more important. I let the cell phones, the Internet, the Jehovah witness that come to your door invade in on his turf and my life paid for it but most of all my relationship with God paid for it. Life can be overwhelming to the point why we forget why we are here in the first place. I tell my son God gave you a special job to tell everyone that Jesus died on the cross for you. He saved you and he loved you. I am not telling you this to get props. I am telling you this because we all have a hole in us. Where God is supposed to be and when he is not there we feel like zombies. We function we smile but we are zombies. We can interact but we are empty inside. That is were I was. I knew what I needed but most of all it took me a year and half to figure out I had to be silent before God. Meaning I got down on my knees and told God how sorry I was. That I was here and now I can be mended and used for him. Speak to me tell me what you want me to to I am here for YOU now! How much I knew I was doing wrong and still did it despite of the consequences. I have fallen since then and now in the process of getting up. I think that is the most important thing. I have heard about following Christ is "You will fall again and again. Just how quickly you pick yourself back up and how you do it determines your fate. I am so tired of being weak and letting this world get to me. I just wish I could not fall so much.

Me and my oldest son Alex who is 4

dad

2009-02-28T10:28:00.000-08:00

Do I blame myself or do I blame you.

I ask my self that and the answer is I have no clue

No one ever clued me in on the truth two different stories none of them end in glory

both of them end the same we were young and your not to blame.

Scott is what I called you when we first met

it wasn't because of your child support debt

but because you had big shoes to fill

and trust me those shoes weren't little

I was stuck in a love triangle right direct in the middle

My defense was up from the beginning

and your offense wasn't winning

I already had many hurtful emotional cases pending

So I never let you get close to me

But you should have known I was hurt scarred emotionally

I was abused mentally and physically

and i wasn't going to let it happen again no not to me

I was slowly killing my self inside

My hop was disappearing out of my stride

I learned to become a chameleon

and not myself it was to painful to to be me I had to much turmoil

and hell I hated that I was the hurt little girl and not the strong 9 yr old

So I became a shape shifter

A great manipulator

I didn't have a emotional filter

Just a damn to block the painful river

I locked up and became someone else

That little girl that needed help was no where to be found

she was dead and buried not in the ground

but inside of me deep inside

I buried her alive and there she lay in a coffin she made breathing silently

only to come out in a emotional hell and very violently

So now do u see why it was hard for you to get through my thick head

Scott it was because I was dead

I lost myself and was fine with being someone else

because anybody's life was better then mine

I could be anybody I wanted to be at a drop of a dime

and didn't realize that was me burying that little nine yr old girl deeper

I was my own grim reaper

So I apologize to you for not getting through

I apologize to you for not having a clue

who I was and I apologize to myself for not waiting cry or wail

I apologize to me for not being all I can be

I apologize to that little girl for not letting her free

Okay at this point and time in my life me and my dad stopped talking because he still treated me like a child and couldn't respect me enough to treat me as an adult. Which upset me alot. Because my step mom did it to and she and I are very close. So I shut down communicating with them. I felt bad for not talking to my dad because I was an adult now and wanted an adult relationship with him and he just seemed to be doing the same things he was doing years ago. He hadn't changed at this point and it was disappointing. Still I felt like I had been unfair to him from the day we met (9 yrs of age) because all I ever had in my heart was my daddy Robert. He loved me my daddy Robert he was my daddy. How can I love this man who I never met. I felt weird around him so I didn't let him love me. He did get a unfair chance at meeting me. I never realized it until I was grown. I still felt the way I did I just fought threw it and when I hugged him I hugged him I didn't think of something else or fake it. I hugged him and guess what nothing bad happened. It was okay to love him. It wasn't bad to love him. To the present day my dad still has annoying habits but, I love him cause he loved me just because I was his. I wish that I could have overcame this at a younger age. What is important now is that I let him in. I love you dad.
Above Shawn ( my middle boy) Dad and me

Searching

2009-02-25T06:26:00.000-08:00

I'm hurting inside
trying to search through and find
looking through the anger to find the kind
what does really hold me together what is in my bind
is it compassion or anger or just passion
whatever it is its intense
so intense that no one can begin to understand
how much I long for my childhood to be less painfull
how everyone just wrote me off as a hand full
how abandonment felt
how u feel being alone all by yourself
how can u not be bitter with what Ive been through
how can u hold together strong and not turn into goo
I tell you how u hold your head up high
you come to peace with your past
you realize people come live and die
you slow down in life and don't go fast
you take every step with your head turned
to watch the evilness in the world to make sure u don't get burned
you've seen so from such a young age
you know there two sides to every page
you love fearfully
you no longer love whole heartedly
you love mentally
you feel passionate and numb
at the same time
you feel like you cant speak
as if you were a mime
you feel strong yet weak
you feel alone yet accompanied with sorrow
you feel like a leader yet at times you follow
you feel at peace yet in a disarray
you have to learn that your past is past and not today
I have to come to peace with my childhood before I can move on in adulthood
I have to accept it and stop running or hiding
It's time for me to soar and my wings to start gliding
It's time for me to pull out and me save myself from dying
I forgive everyone in my past that had there hand in my childhood
I have to so I can continue on and do what I should
Forgive but not forget it is to much to ask
forgetting is something I cant it has made me who I am today
and I cant forget who I am
but i can forgive you for not making a stand against the things that made me hurt
my life could have been a whole lot worse
I know i could have been one of those starving kids overseas
ate up with illness and disease just because I wasn't born in the U.S.A
So I choose to forgive you for the sake of moving on out of today
and in to the next
But I could never forget.

At this point my mom took my identity mentally and financially. I had bad debt from the age of 12 up she put phone bills light bills cable bills you name it was in my name. I felt that I didn't know who I was and the only thing I knew how to do was love my son. I couldn't do anything else because my mom took everything from me I wasn't allowed to be anything. I couldn't be a cheerleader didn't have the money couldn't get on any type of team as a child because I switched schools so much due to moving because of her man friends and foster care. I hated that my childhood wasn't filled with happy memories from her. Christmas morning if we woke up to Christmas presents they weren't wrapped. Days of summer were filled with her going to the lake and meeting a new guy and bringing them home and trying to be our daddy because in her words" I looked good for having two kids " Almost every man except our dads were abusive to her and one was to us. On this day that I wrote this poem I felt robbed of who I was and that it was her job to supply me with who I am. I had no time to think about me it was all about cleaning the house, making sure me and my sis get up for school and have clean clothes, we barley had clean socks we wore the same pair for 3 days in a row. I was accepting who I was and trying to be great full for who what I have. I didn't want to dwell so much on the past that I miss what I had in front of me a beautiful boy and another son on the way. God would remind me in upcoming days how much having a healthy child meant. I love the power of God his innocence to you . Alot of my blogs will have something to do with God or have something about God because at times he is all I had and if it wasn't for him I would be alive mentally and physically. This poem made me feel strong and it made feel like what I was doing raising a child and being a good mom breaking the chain of bad moms letting it stop with me.

2009-02-25T05:32:00.000-08:00

Okay don't want to start this as a typical introduction. Here it is though name is Ashley 22 and have 3 boys. I have experienced alot in my life and write poetry, songs and blogs about it. To help me feel better and I just heard you can make money from it. I am hoping to do that. All my stuff is original if I do post a quote I give credit where credit is due. I hope you enjoy reading my stuff if not then give me feedback please on how you think it could be better. I love feedback but take everything with a grain of salt. So with that I am going to post some poetry that I have wrote.

Dear mom.........
Dear mom this letter is addressed to you. I miss my mother I do . What has this come to . Why do you make me and sis suffer. Why does my sister say to me "I need a mother!" You continue to hurt her . That is the worst mother. You cant hurt me. I have cut you out of my life completely. Because of your deceiving drama filled life. You hurt me enough you no longer hold the knife to my pain. You no longer drive me insane. I know longer live the life of a derailed train. I haven't seen or spoke to you in three years and I still cry tears because of you. There is no end to the sorrow you've caused me in my childhood. Do I think it is fair for you to live the rest of your life unforgiven and prosecuted. No I don't but, should I be put on trial for not wanting to be drove insane by your drama and your pain not to mention I have a child to think about now who needs a thing called structure. No not a building with textures . But a bed of his own to sleep in a Family. Something I've searched my whole life to find and he and his father is it I found it finally. You continue to try to hurt me through my dear Misty whom I take credit for raising. But your not hurting me you hurting her and soon she too will see . She will see what was once a momma is no longer. You always be a mother but for me personally you will never be momma again. I go through life pretending that you don't exist I clinch my fist every time I think how could a mother do that to her children. How could she choose her man friends over us girls. When I would give my son the world. I am now a mother and I see how easy it is to love your children. How easy it is to not betray them . I can sit here all night and tell your faults and sit here for about one minute and tell you the good things you have done in my childhood. But I want instead I will forgive you for failing motherhood. There is your grade it is not just a simple test it doesn't just effect you if effect me to for I am forever stained with hate in my heart until I come to peace with my childhood and part with this derailed train I FORGIVE YOU for failing me .

I wrote this about 3 years ago. I felt the need to put this on here for you to know the feelings I felt and how I got the point. I am now. At this point in my life I was pregnant with my second child scared to death and wanting a mother. My mom is 40 years old and is dying of throat tumors/ meth addiction. I left my mom and my sister (Misty 19) whom I raised because as we all know a man chasing druggie don't have time for her kids. I had to leave because I couldn't raise my kid in the meth house. I had to leave my sister behind and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My mom did alot of things to me as a child. The first painful thing I remember is lying to me about my dad. I loved this man which was my sisters dad ( Robert) who raised me from infancy. I loved him and then at the age of 7 found out he wasn't my dad. It didn't hurt at that time it didn't hurt till the divorce and when I met my real dad ( Scott) at 9. My real dad was okay he isn't bad but not great I think he done the best he could at times. Okay back to the present. I have not seen or spoken to my mom in almost 6 years. At this point it was 3. I hated her and wanted to forgive her at the same time it was so confusing. How could you love someone and hate them at the same time. I felt she and other people robbed me of my childhood. That my life was pointless up until I had my first son and I gave him everything I had. How could I love my second son as much as I did could I love him that much. Well that was how I was feeling at this point so I wrote this. It helped me through the pain but I wanted her to see it her to know you suck and you made my life suck and I cant let you run my life anymore I want to forget you.